The First Three Feature Length Scripts I Finished

Dieter passes LA landmarks:  the Hollywood sign, Mann's
Chinese, and the LA COUNTY SCREENPLAY LANDFILL, where a
bulldozer pushes around a mountain of scripts.

- From the unmade SPROCKETS adaptation written by Mike Meyers, Jack Handy and Mike McCullers 

I think I read somewhere that the average writer will complete nine scripts before they sell one. I don't know exactly how many I actually finished before getting paid (and let's not even try to count the ones I started and didn't finish, that number may approach infinity) but here are the first three...

The first actual feature length script I completed was a character driven dramedy about a New York yuppie who goes insane and thinks he's a trench coat-clad vigillante in the vein of The Shadow. Mind you I had only a passing awareness of The Shadow (my version predated the Alec Baldwin movie that I never saw either) but I name checked the character frequently whenever I would pitch the story. I would also say that it had the same tone as Vampire's Kiss  a 1989 Nic Cage movie about a New York yuppie who goes insane and thinks he's a vampire. Because it was basically a lift of that entire film. This began a pattern of mine, name checking characters and stories I knew almost nothing about  to sound smart and referencing poorly received films in the context of my work. A winning combination.

Anyway, the script was called THE CIMMERIAN, a word I randomly found that meant 'dark or gloomy.' I can't find the script anymore which is odd because I am usually pretty obsessive about backing up and keeping track of old files. Not that I would subject anyone to it at this point, but I don't think it was bad per se, just probably a bit unstructured and predictable. I can't remember any big scenes, there was a sequence where the protagonist swims across the Hudson river but I can't remember why. And of course eventually he dies trying to fight crime. The whole story was about guilt. The lead character felt guilty about what a horrible, empty person he was so he created this character in his mind to absolve himself. American Psycho is another story I like a lot. Apparently I dig stories about young men going insane with guilt and lonliness. I'm a pip at parties. 

My contribution to the "OMG so many scripts!" picture collection.
This stack is in my office. I didn't write these
but in 20 years I've written that many and more.

The second script I wrote was so meta and so 90's and so "indie" I should have to apologize to the makers of Living in Oblivion for bogarting their vibe. BELOW THE LINE was a black comedy about a young, idealistic guy who falls for kooky female production assistant he meets on the set of an indie film. Then he discovers that she's going around killing actors in the independent films she works on. Fun for the whole family! The whole thing was heavily influenced by Heathers and if you're into that sort of thing was actually pretty fun. I made a lot of Post-Tarantino self-indulgent 90's mistakes like a three page scene where some stoners argue on the phone with a diner owner who won't deliver six side orders of bacon and nothing else because it's not a meal. (Hilarious and way ahead of the bacon-craze curve). In my mind I'm sure the script was supposed to be about the pretense of being an artist in a world where so many people are just scraping by or something pretentious like that. Also two scripts in a row about crazy people! A theme emerges!

My third script was a doozy. My first attempt at a big budget Hollywood family "4 quad" movie. VERTICAL LEAP: ADVENTURES IN REAL TIME was set in the not too distant future and was about a holographic AI video game character that exists in the real world and is framed for murder. He goes on the run with a young boy (his biggest fan, natch) to clear his good name.  The comparison to Who Framed Roger Rabbit is of course inevitable and deserved. The script is an unstructured mess that takes forever to get going and has gigantic plot holes in it. In other words WHY DIDN'T HOLLYWOOD BUY IT!? The real fun I had with the script other than the world building was developing the video game character Vertical Leap. I wrote him as a brash, loud mouthed, egotistical action hero by day, lounge singer by night.  I spent way more time on his character than the story or the plot, such that there was one. Thinking about it now I wonder how I handled "the rules" of the universe I was trying to create. It's awfully hard to make a story about a hologram have any real stakes.  I'm guessing that a lot of seasoned pros would have a hard time with that one so I'm sure I didn't do a very good job of it.

Anyway, those were my first three. I think in total 10 people read those scripts.  Not 10 people read all three, but like 3 read one, 5 read another 2 read one. I sent out some snail mail queries on each of them, but not many, and only got a couple of read requests. Those read requests resulted in polite form letter passes except for one lengthy, helpful critique I got about Vertical Leap. I owe the guy who wrote it a debt of gratitude because that kind, thoughtful letter of his was the first affirmation I had gotten from a stranger that my writing, while flawed, showed promise.

BUT I kept going because I really enjoyed the work and I was getting to know what few strengths and many weaknesses I had as a writer and it became as much a problem solving process as a creative one.

So while I would never claim to have any actual advice or wisdom to pass on to screenwriters trying to "break in" I will say that in my case I had to write a bunch of stuff before I was even ready to be read. These three scripts just scratch the surface. And I was doing all this between having a full time office job and crippling drinking problem!

What I wouldn't give for that much energy and time management today!